Brain farts and other problems

Definition –
Brain Fart – When a person is in the middle of a sentence and forgets what they were talking about, or when a person is doing something and instantaneously forgets. An example is putting the phone down then deciding to make another call less then thirty seconds later and not remembering where the phone was placed.

I have been having many brain farts lately. Yesterday I seemed to process nothing and so my day was one huge brain fart. I put down my drink; went to pick it up and couldn’t find it. I misplaced my phone numerous times. I did many other similar things. It was almost impossible to have a phone conversation with me. I just couldn’t process any information. Today I am much better though.
I did some thinking about the child care thing. I added up the amount I would be spending each week then figured out I probably would only make enough to cover my traveling costs and the child care, if that. Therefore there would be no extra money for additional bills. Hummmm... I need to find a more affordable option or come up with something different to do. I am part of this Yahoo group with my massage school. Jobs are posted up. They have different requests for massage therapists. I figure I could do some very part time work and have Cullen be off the days I was able to work. I really want to work full time, but at this point it doesn’t seem to be much of an option. I will continue seeking affordable childcare. I just know I can’t afford 400 dollars a week. I could try to win the lottery. That is very unlikely though. I am happy however. I think part of my happiness comes with my increased social time. I have gotten closer to some people and they are turning into friends. Almost every day I see someone. Not for a huge chunk of time but enough time. I am a very social person when I get the chance to be social. It is nice to know that I am likeable enough to have several people want to see me almost every day. Yes, I have Cullen, but he is my husband. I needed women friends and now it seems like I have them. We carry on good conversations and when there is quiet it is not weird. It just feels so good. I have figured out that all I need is a couple hours of socializing every day and I am happy. I still have plenty of things to worry about, but life seems a bit brighter. I must clean now and get the counters clean and the dishes done. So, smile!

today

Today is a good day. I decided that I am going to get a license in both Virginia and D.C. I am just so close to D.C. There is so many opportunities to work their too. I found someone who can watch Gregory when I work. I have had difficulty in that area because I would have to work some evenings and weekends. The woman runs a home daycare. The only issue is getting Gregory to and from her home. I guess I could take a taxi. Taxis are darn expensive, but if I am going to work I have to do something. Now I have to hope she is still available when I get a job. From what I was told places are interested in me because of my disability, but hey if I can use that to my advantage why not. I am having a hard time believing I am so close to having a job and one that I want to do. I need to go now and watch Gregory because Cullen wants to get on his computer. I told him if he fixed Gregory some food he could get on his computer, not to mention Cullen also put away all the clothes I washed without complaining. Smiles!


Cullen just said that Gregory opened up his sandwich and pointed to the cheese and said “cheeese”. Then ate all the cheese and left the rest of the sandwich.

Mentionable moments

I write on my blog what I feel is worth mentioning. These are things that may seem boring or redundant to someone else. Some of the things I have written I should have kept to myself, but I had a need to write it. Somehow writing these things helps me. It helps me in a way a therapist would help, but it also is a record of what I think is important. Even if what I feel is important is as small as a stubbed toe.
There are other things that I avoid writing. These are things that I want to avoid thinking about at the time and hope to forget, or that I don’t think people should hear about, and some of the time it is that I just don’t have the energy to explain, oh yes I also don’t write about some things because I know it will just cause issues (in the case where I name the person I have issues with). So, sometimes the most mentionable moments are not mentioned and through there absence they are mentioned (hope you caught that).
Tonight I feel sad. I don’t know if it is a letdown from Gregory’s birthday and party or if it is hormones that are bringing me down, but whatever the reason I feel like crying. Nothing bad has happened. Everything seems to be going as it should. My life is “normal” right now. Maybe because everything is going “normal” I know the bottom will drop out sooner or later. I have always lived with some level of anxiety. I have always been anxious about something as long as I can remember. That anxiety seemed to let me know that everything was going to be ok, because as soon as I stopped worrying something bad seemed to happen. I always wanted my glass to be half full but as soon as it went from half empty to half full the glass would spring a leak. So in my little world it was better to have anxiety and know what it was about than to have anxiety and not to know the cause of the anxiety. Right now I have anxiety but do not know the cause. This feeling makes me sad and feeling disconnected. Feeling disconnected makes it hard to get motivated to do almost anything. I feel as if I need to escape, but from what I don’t know. When I was in high school I would curl up in bed and cry because I wanted my mom knowing that I did not really want my mom, but I did want a sense of security and love without having to explain what my problem was, because I really wasn’t sure what my problem was and it is hard to tell someone something that you don’t even know yourself. I just feel defeated and logically I know I shouldn’t feel this way but emotionally I do. I know part of my problem is that I try to look at things logically, but my emotions get mixed up in logic. To explain better, I know I am a good mom logically, but when I can’t tell Gregory what he is looking at because I can’t see it I feel like I am not doing what I should be doing as a mom and therefore I am not a good mom even though I am; make sense? People have told me that I am a super mom or a super woman because of all that I do and have overcome. I know I was smart enough to get a bachelors degree in two majors and to have gone back to school in massage therapy and passed the certification test. I know that my little boy is growing and thriving in part to me being there to help him along his way. I also know I am functioning well as a person who went legally blind at the age of 17. All these things make sense logically and yes I am proud of myself. All this logic is great, but it doesn’t prevent me from feeling like I should be doing more. I feel as if I am not accomplishing something right now, I am doing something wrong and what do I do if I make a mistake, I pick the wrong path for my life. Should I have had Gregory two years ago; I don’t know but I am so glad he is part of my life. Maybe it would have been better if I had waited a year or two. And why am I blind? What did I do to deserve that? I know it is just something that happened but life just isn’t fair. I am not saying that life should be fair, but I would sure like a break once and a while that I could enjoy. I am probably getting that break now, but I am worried about tomorrow and having trouble enjoying my break. I know everything is fine I just can’t help thinking that it won’t be for long, because in my life that is just the way it is. I try to enjoy the little things, like tonight I asked Gregory if he wanted some tomato and he thought for a moment then said the word “no” long and drawn out like he wasn’t sure of himself. Now I am smiling thinking about that. I am going to write that down on my list of happy moments and pull it out when I am feeling like I have been feeling today. It is true a smile makes so much difference. I am smiling now and want to stay that way for the rest of the night and hopefully tomorrow so I will go and brush my teeth and then tuck myself into bed. Going to bed happy is a good thing.

Gregory's new bike

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Our friends gave Gregory their child’s old bike. Well looking at the bike today it needs a new tire and tube for the tire. The bike is also rusted. We looked at prices and decided for just a little extra we could get Gregory a new bike. So, that is what we did. Now I just have to call my friends and ask if they want the bike back or if they want us to do something with it. I don’t want them to think we did not appreciate it, we did. Well, we got Gregory a helmet and knee and elbow pads. He loves his bike and the helmet. He thinks the knee and elbow pads are great. He did not want me to take them off him. We did not forget a bell. It says “I (heart) my Mom”. Cullen picked it out. Now all we need to do is teach him to ride the bike. It doesn’t matter right now if he knows how to ride it he is just happy sitting on the bike.

Gregory and his bike

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Gregory’s Party

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Gregory’s birthday party was today. I decided to have it from 10 am till 12:30 pm. This is because Gregory and his friends usually take a nap in the afternoon. Gregory did not get a nap today but the other kids did. A 1 ½ year old and a 2 ½ year old came to the party. My friend from upstairs came down with her six week old little boy. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. Grandpa, Nana, and Aunt Kristen also came over. I fed the kids chicken nuggets and apples. Then for dessert there was a yummy Elmo cake made by Nana and ice cream sandwiches. Before we ate the cake we all sung happy birthday to Gregory. Gregory was happy until he looked around and saw everyone singing and looking at him. Gregory then decided to cry, because something had to be wrong when everyone was staring at him. Gregory then stopped crying and filled his mouth with red cake. Then came presents time. Gregory got a cool Geo Trax train set that runs with a remote. He can operate it all by himself. He also got some books, an Elmo backpack, Elmo that laughed and went everywhere (don’t remember exactly the name) and more trains. The boys had a lot of fun together. Gregory’s party was so much fun for all of us.
This evening we went over to the boy’s house that I take to the bus stop and talked. Their youngest child had outgrown his bike. So, guess who got a bike, Gregory! It only needs for the seat to be lowered and the back tire to be filled. We are also going to buy him a helmet.
I would have to say today was an overall success. Now I am off to watch a movie.

Gregory has a little friend

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

This is the upstairs neighbors little boy

Gregory's friends

092207 Gregory opening presents2.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Elmo birthday cake

092207 Elmo Birthday cake.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Gregory and his Elmo cake

092207 Gregory and cake.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Gregory is TWO!

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Gregory is now two years old. It seems crazy that he could be two. Time has just flown so fast. Not so long ago I had an infant that only ate, slept, and pooped. Now I have a little boy who can do so much more. My little boy is communicating with me like he could never have done before. He lets me know what is going on around him. He tells me what he sees. “Momma tees, wah-wah, duck, woof-woof, meow” My little boy lets me know what is out there when I can not see it. We went to Mt. Vernon a couple of days ago. Gregory and I were waiting for Cullen to get back and Gregory points and says “wah-wah, tees”. He told me there were water and trees. This was great because I had no idea that we had a view of the Potomac with trees near bye.
Yesterday we drove to Staunton to see Gregory’s God parents and sister. They were very happy to see him. They were also very surprised how much Gregory has grown. I just can’t believe another year has passed.
Tomorrow is Gregory’s birthday party. Two little boys are coming over. I think it should be fun. The theme is Elmo. Gregory saw the decorations tonight and was so excited. I will post pictures after the party.
Tonight I will now get some rest.

The water and trees

091907 Gregory and Angela at Mt Vernon.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.

Here is the wah-wah and tees Gregory pointed out at Mt. Vernon.

He is not a baby, but he is my baby

My upstairs neighbor came down for a little bit this evening. She has a six week old little boy. I had forgotten how tiny Gregory was once. Gregory was so interested in the baby. She even let, with assistance, Gregory hold him. Gregory was very gentle. The little baby brought back memories of how I would just sit for hours and hold Gregory when he was so tiny. I loved so much just sitting there with my infant son in my arms. I have not forgotten about the sleepless nights, but it was all so worth it. Gregory will be two this Friday. I just don’t know how time passed so quickly. Those days seemed so long, but they are already gone. The memories of Gregory are just so sweet. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful little boy in my life. Each and every day I get surprised and tickled by something Gregory did. I will list some of the things Gregory did today.

Gregory was happy when I did “this little piggy” to his toes and he giggled and said “wee wee wee” and wanted me to do it again.
Gregory wanted another jelly bean and said “MORE, MORE” very loudly and like he was dieing and needed it to save his life. Then when I asked him “what do you say?” he said “peeese” (please) quietly and very nicely.
Gregory knocked over the kitchen chair he said “oh no, oh no” because he did not mean to knock it over. I have passed on my anxiety to my son. I guess I should be saying oh no instead of him.
Gregory got mad because I took away my drink from him and he said “NO!” and then when I tried to hand him his drink he tried to hit it away.
Gregory knocked on my bedroom door because he wanted me to come out instead of calling momma. He only started to knock instead of calling and wining for me or daddy this week. I like the knocking better than the wining.
Gregory asked me for juice today and I told him to go ask daddy and he did. Then daddy got it for him. It was nice to not have to get up for a change.
We walked over to a friend’s house that had a five year old girl and Gregory played with all the toy kitchen toys and named the different objects. Then went to everyone and made sure they knew too.
Gregory came over to me and gave me a great big kiss on the mouth and said “mwuh” (the kissing sound).

Well, now that I am thinking of my sweety I am going to check to see that he is sleeping in bed. I put him in bed a while ago. I will go in there and pick him up if he is not in bed, smell his hair, and kiss him goodnight again.

YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!

I passed!!!!!!!
I am now a certified massage therapist. YES YES YES!!!!
All I have left to do is get my license. That is the easy part.
YES YES YES!!!!!!!
I am so relieved and just so happy.

This morning I got up and could only eat three bites of oatmeal. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was so anxious. We got to the testing site on time. Cullen and Gregory left and went back home. My reader was there. He was a very nice man. He had been a massage therapist for the past twenty years. That was a relief, because I was worried that I was going to be stuck with a reader who knew nothing about the body and wouldn’t be able to pronounce the words. Some of the parts of the body are hard to pronounce. The guy was so nice. He also gave me a business card and offered me a job. I don’t know how far away the place is so I don’t know if I can take it but... I finished the test and walked out and went to the main desk. The lady behind the desk handed me a piece of paper. I asked what the paper said so nervously. The lady said pass!!! I said what.
I PASSED! I PASSED! I PASSED! YES YES YES!!!

Momma is feeling awful and Gregory’s got his first ear infection

Gregory has been running a fever since Sunday. It was the kind that would come and go. I finally called the doctor today and brought him in. I also have a fever. I thought I caught what Gregory caught. We got there and the doctor said that Gregory had an ear infection. It was his very first ear infection. I had no idea that it could have been that. Gregory did not do anything except run a fever and act like he felt sick. Ear infections are not contagious so I did not catch my fever from Gregory. I have no idea what I have. I am just going to live with what I have for now and hope that I will feel better soon. I am really hoping that I feel good for tomorrows massage therapy certification test. Well, I don’t feel like sitting on this computer because my joints ache. I feel like I have arthritis. Well, I am going to lie on the couch and sip tea and listen to a book. I am not going to study tonight. The best thing I can do now is try to get feeling better. I will let you know tomorrow how I did on my test.

Doing my best

I have been reading so many books on CD it is crazy. I feel so good reading them too. I get this escape that I had forgotten reading gives me. I get into the book and start rooting for the characters. I can’t start listening to the last two CD’s before bedtime or I won’t be able to fall asleep. My massage therapy test is Thursday and I am getting excited and nervous. I just can’t wait to get it over and done with. Then I can start working. I love being home with Gregory I just want to have a part-time job. Oh and the money wouldn’t hurt either. I know I will enjoy being a massage therapist, but I sometimes feel like a failure, because I was unable to pick up a desk job. The desk job I did have when we lived in Culpeper was doing 508 compliance testing. I tested websites to see if they interacted correctly with screen readers for the blind. I did not mind so much doing the work but I dreaded going into work because I was just so lonely sitting there in front of my computer and no one to even talk to on my lunch time. I felt like the company did not even need me. I think they hired me because I lived in a specific area and they had to have a certain number of employees living in the area to have the company labeled in a specific category. I was just another person in that tiny office. I also seemed to have nothing in common with the two other people who worked next to me. The whole place was so isolating. Since we moved up farther north their just is nothing for me. I think people want to be understanding and accommodating, but they just don’t want a blind person working at their place of employment. I wouldn’t really need many accommodations but people don’t know how to act with someone different from themselves. Working as a massage therapist will give me an outlet plus it will keep me in pretty good shape, because I won’t be sitting on my butt all day, not that I do that now. Gregory keeps me busy enough. It seems to me like I will have the benefit being legally blind in this field. One of the teachers I had in my massage therapy school told me that when she was working at a spa she lost her job to a blind person. I thought that was bad, but I felt a little happy about it too. It is awful of me, but it is nice when things are turned around the other way for a change. I sometimes get so sick of the discrimination. I guess there is a stereotype involved, but I do give a darn good massage. Maybe the reason I am so good at it is because I paid more attention to the feel of the person’s body. I know that losing part of my vision has changed my life dramatically, but I always put myself into my work no matter what I did. I have always done my best. I wanted and needed to be proud of myself. When I do something that I know is not to the best of my ability I feel ashamed, even though no one may have known I know. I sleep easier at night when during the day I try to do my best at whatever I am doing even if the only thing I did the whole day was to be a mom. I know I am the best mom I can be. Well, now that I have ranted I must get back to my book.

Keeping busy during nap time

I have had a headache all day. This afternoon I put Gregory in his room so I could lay down without worrying about him. It was also his nap time, but he slept in the car when we were out earlier. I did not think he would sleep. I slept for one hour then went into Gregory’s room to check on him. Well, Gregory kept quite busy. His room was trashed. He flipped over his toddler bed mattress and that was lying on the floor by his bed. All of his toys were scattered about the room and one of his sit on and push the buttons toys was also flipped upside down. I am so glad I left him in his room instead of the living room. My head hurts still so I am going to go get in bed. Gregory is already down for the night.

What I can see

My blindness was brought on by a condition called Lebers Hereditary Optic Neuropathy. This condition can cause partial or total loss of a person’s central vision. My peripheral, or side, vision is perfect. So every thing I can see I see the way I should and everything I can’t see I just can’t see at all. For example if I look at you in the face I won’t be able to see your face, but I will be able to see possibly your arms or legs. Another thing is that peripheral vision does not allow a person to tell detail. So, a person could be standing close to me and I totally miss them, because I can’t see the detail of them. Peripheral vision does allow a person to see movement though. If you want, to understand why I can’t read printed material, you can look at some writing then look above or to the side of the writing you are reading and try to read it. It is nearly impossible. That is exactly how I see with my left eye. My right eye is a little better. I have a tiny bit of central vision in my right eye. With this eye I have all my peripheral and a small spot where I can see centrally. The way I explain this eye is pretend that you are looking down a tunnel. You can see everything around the tunnel and what is at the very end of the tunnel but you can’t see the tunnel. The size of the spot of central vision I have is about the size of two small letters in a book or in the newspaper. If I could focus the spot of central vision I have on a good day it takes me about five minutes to read a six word sentence and after I am done reading it I end up with a headache. So, I can see but I can’t see, if that makes any sense. It is hard for me because people assume that if I can see something I should always be able to see it. The thing that they have a hard time getting is that one second I may see it the next it is as good as invisible.
Most of the time people can’t tell I am blind. I look at the people I am talking to even if I can’t see their face. I have the neighborhood memorized so I can walk around without a cane or my guide dog. I have run into trash bags on trash days and different objects that are put in a place where nothing normally is. I watch Gregory with my peripheral vision and by what I hear. If Gregory gets quiet or makes a scared noise I know to go to him and find out what is going on. I have learned how to adapt to my vision loss. Some days are still very hard and I do need help with some things, but for the most part I am doing just fine.

Here is a website that shows what I see. It is pretty accurate from what I can tell.
Because I am no good with links just paste it in your address bar.
http://jim.leeder.users.btopenworld.com/LHON/effect.htm

A reason to get up

Now I have a reason to get up and dressed in the morning. Let me tell you the story. Yesterday Cullen, Gregory, and I were walking home from the playground. We were almost home when a woman stopped us. She had a question. She was wondering if I could walk her grandkids to the school bus in the morning. All I could think was “uh what?” Her daughter needed someone to wake up her three children and walk them to the bus stop. I was thinking this woman has to be desperate to give someone she has never met some house keys and have her walk her three children to the bus stop. I guess they have seen me walk back and fourth to the playground with Gregory a few times, but other than that they new nothing about me. I am not in her shoes, but I think I would have a hard time trusting someone I knew nothing about. Well, back to my story. I told her I was legally blind and surprisingly she was fine with that. Most parents don’t trust me with their kids because of my bad eyesight. It was so nice for a change to have someone to trust me knowing I am blind. My family and close friends trust me with their children, but usually no one who casually knows me. People don’t think I can watch children without perfect vision, or correctable vision even though I have a 23 month old. After all it must just be dumb luck that my son is still alive with me as a mother, ignorant people. The woman and her husband were very nice. The kids seemed to be pretty good kids too. Oh, let me not forget to mention she was going to pay me. I decided to go ahead and do it. They live in a condo almost right next to us. So, I don’t have to walk very far. She had three boys, ages 8, 6, and 5. The youngest has a speech delay and is being tested for some other things. I met the boys last night. This morning I walked to their home around 7:25 and woke them up. The youngest was very difficult to get up. I basically had to pick him up out of bed and stand him up. After he realized I was not his mother he got upset and started crying. His brothers calmed him down. The boys sleep in their clothes. So, I did not have to get them dressed. I just asked them to go brush their teeth and put on their shoes. The youngest would not brush his teeth, so I let it go I figured I try tomorrow. They were all ready to go to the bus stop ten minutes before I wanted to leave. So, I had them wait five more then we went. They were very anxious. I knew how they felt. We got to the bus stop and a couple other children were there. The youngest wanted to see the picture on my phone. I was happy to show him, because he was finally warming up to me. We waited ten minutes. Then the bus came but it did not stop. I am guessing the driver was pointing. We all started running. This was very hard for me not seeing very well. I nearly ran into two trees. We got to the bus. The boys got on. I asked a mother who was there what happened, because I was somewhat confused. The bus had come both early and to the wrong place. She told me that yesterday the bus driver changed the time and bus stop. All I can say is thank goodness there were other parents who did not know about the change. Otherwise I would have been freaking out with no bus showing up. With my vision I can’t read the bus numbers and I can’t see any signal a bus driver is trying to send me. I think I am going to enjoy this job. It is nice to have a reason to get up and dressed early in the morning. Usually I am not dressed until about ten in the morning.
One more thing, when I got home from sending off the kids I came home to an empty house. Cullen had taken Gregory to get the car’s oil changed and the tires rotated. So, I get time to myself. What a lovely morning.

Daddy NO!

Two days ago we were having Tacos and corn on the cob for dinner. Gregory loves corn on the cob. Gregory had finished his cob and Cullen took it off his plate. Gregory got a little upset. So Cullen said “It is all gone”. Gregory seemed to be ok with that. Then Cullen picked up his cob to take a bite. Gregory looked at his daddy and pointed saying “NO!” very loudly. Gregory did not think it was fair that his daddy got to eat corn on the cob when he had none on his plate. Cullen got up and fixed Gregory another piece of corn on the cob. Gregory was very happy about this.
It just tickles me what personality Gregory has and how he is turning into a little boy who is making decisions and letting the world know what he thinks. I knew that is what would happen with Gregory growing up but I didn’t know how much it would tickle me.

Gregory’s Melmo (Elmo) overalls

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

This is my favorite outfit from Grandma.
Gregory loves Elmo. My mom went shopping and found this cute overall outfit for him. Gregory was very excited. As soon as he saw the clothes he said “Melmo Melmo”. He loves these overalls. Today when I would change his diaper I would undo his straps and he would say “oh no” and try to put it back. Gregory can’t quite say Cookie Monster. That sounds like kee. These are a size 3T. Gregory is a very tall child for his age.

Another pair of overalls

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Originally uploaded by smileahug.

My mom found Gregory some cute pajamas too, but I do love overalls on my child. So, the first two outfits I put him in were overalls. These are a size 4T and should fit again next summer.
Gregory also got seven bouncy balls from Grandma. The balls are scattered throughout the house.