Thursday, September 27, 2007
Brain Fart – When a person is in the middle of a sentence and forgets what they were talking about, or when a person is doing something and instantaneously forgets. An example is putting the phone down then deciding to make another call less then thirty seconds later and not remembering where the phone was placed.
I have been having many brain farts lately. Yesterday I seemed to process nothing and so my day was one huge brain fart. I put down my drink; went to pick it up and couldn’t find it. I misplaced my phone numerous times. I did many other similar things. It was almost impossible to have a phone conversation with me. I just couldn’t process any information. Today I am much better though.
I did some thinking about the child care thing. I added up the amount I would be spending each week then figured out I probably would only make enough to cover my traveling costs and the child care, if that. Therefore there would be no extra money for additional bills. Hummmm... I need to find a more affordable option or come up with something different to do. I am part of this Yahoo group with my massage school. Jobs are posted up. They have different requests for massage therapists. I figure I could do some very part time work and have Cullen be off the days I was able to work. I really want to work full time, but at this point it doesn’t seem to be much of an option. I will continue seeking affordable childcare. I just know I can’t afford 400 dollars a week. I could try to win the lottery. That is very unlikely though. I am happy however. I think part of my happiness comes with my increased social time. I have gotten closer to some people and they are turning into friends. Almost every day I see someone. Not for a huge chunk of time but enough time. I am a very social person when I get the chance to be social. It is nice to know that I am likeable enough to have several people want to see me almost every day. Yes, I have Cullen, but he is my husband. I needed women friends and now it seems like I have them. We carry on good conversations and when there is quiet it is not weird. It just feels so good. I have figured out that all I need is a couple hours of socializing every day and I am happy. I still have plenty of things to worry about, but life seems a bit brighter. I must clean now and get the counters clean and the dishes done. So, smile!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Cullen just said that Gregory opened up his sandwich and pointed to the cheese and said “cheeese”. Then ate all the cheese and left the rest of the sandwich.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
There are other things that I avoid writing. These are things that I want to avoid thinking about at the time and hope to forget, or that I don’t think people should hear about, and some of the time it is that I just don’t have the energy to explain, oh yes I also don’t write about some things because I know it will just cause issues (in the case where I name the person I have issues with). So, sometimes the most mentionable moments are not mentioned and through there absence they are mentioned (hope you caught that).
Tonight I feel sad. I don’t know if it is a letdown from Gregory’s birthday and party or if it is hormones that are bringing me down, but whatever the reason I feel like crying. Nothing bad has happened. Everything seems to be going as it should. My life is “normal” right now. Maybe because everything is going “normal” I know the bottom will drop out sooner or later. I have always lived with some level of anxiety. I have always been anxious about something as long as I can remember. That anxiety seemed to let me know that everything was going to be ok, because as soon as I stopped worrying something bad seemed to happen. I always wanted my glass to be half full but as soon as it went from half empty to half full the glass would spring a leak. So in my little world it was better to have anxiety and know what it was about than to have anxiety and not to know the cause of the anxiety. Right now I have anxiety but do not know the cause. This feeling makes me sad and feeling disconnected. Feeling disconnected makes it hard to get motivated to do almost anything. I feel as if I need to escape, but from what I don’t know. When I was in high school I would curl up in bed and cry because I wanted my mom knowing that I did not really want my mom, but I did want a sense of security and love without having to explain what my problem was, because I really wasn’t sure what my problem was and it is hard to tell someone something that you don’t even know yourself. I just feel defeated and logically I know I shouldn’t feel this way but emotionally I do. I know part of my problem is that I try to look at things logically, but my emotions get mixed up in logic. To explain better, I know I am a good mom logically, but when I can’t tell Gregory what he is looking at because I can’t see it I feel like I am not doing what I should be doing as a mom and therefore I am not a good mom even though I am; make sense? People have told me that I am a super mom or a super woman because of all that I do and have overcome. I know I was smart enough to get a bachelors degree in two majors and to have gone back to school in massage therapy and passed the certification test. I know that my little boy is growing and thriving in part to me being there to help him along his way. I also know I am functioning well as a person who went legally blind at the age of 17. All these things make sense logically and yes I am proud of myself. All this logic is great, but it doesn’t prevent me from feeling like I should be doing more. I feel as if I am not accomplishing something right now, I am doing something wrong and what do I do if I make a mistake, I pick the wrong path for my life. Should I have had Gregory two years ago; I don’t know but I am so glad he is part of my life. Maybe it would have been better if I had waited a year or two. And why am I blind? What did I do to deserve that? I know it is just something that happened but life just isn’t fair. I am not saying that life should be fair, but I would sure like a break once and a while that I could enjoy. I am probably getting that break now, but I am worried about tomorrow and having trouble enjoying my break. I know everything is fine I just can’t help thinking that it won’t be for long, because in my life that is just the way it is. I try to enjoy the little things, like tonight I asked Gregory if he wanted some tomato and he thought for a moment then said the word “no” long and drawn out like he wasn’t sure of himself. Now I am smiling thinking about that. I am going to write that down on my list of happy moments and pull it out when I am feeling like I have been feeling today. It is true a smile makes so much difference. I am smiling now and want to stay that way for the rest of the night and hopefully tomorrow so I will go and brush my teeth and then tuck myself into bed. Going to bed happy is a good thing.
092307 Gregory and first bike.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.
Our friends gave Gregory their child’s old bike. Well looking at the bike today it needs a new tire and tube for the tire. The bike is also rusted. We looked at prices and decided for just a little extra we could get Gregory a new bike. So, that is what we did. Now I just have to call my friends and ask if they want the bike back or if they want us to do something with it. I don’t want them to think we did not appreciate it, we did. Well, we got Gregory a helmet and knee and elbow pads. He loves his bike and the helmet. He thinks the knee and elbow pads are great. He did not want me to take them off him. We did not forget a bell. It says “I (heart) my Mom”. Cullen picked it out. Now all we need to do is teach him to ride the bike. It doesn’t matter right now if he knows how to ride it he is just happy sitting on the bike.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
092207 Gregory opening presents.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.
Gregory’s birthday party was today. I decided to have it from 10 am till 12:30 pm. This is because Gregory and his friends usually take a nap in the afternoon. Gregory did not get a nap today but the other kids did. A 1 ½ year old and a 2 ½ year old came to the party. My friend from upstairs came down with her six week old little boy. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. Grandpa, Nana, and Aunt Kristen also came over. I fed the kids chicken nuggets and apples. Then for dessert there was a yummy Elmo cake made by Nana and ice cream sandwiches. Before we ate the cake we all sung happy birthday to Gregory. Gregory was happy until he looked around and saw everyone singing and looking at him. Gregory then decided to cry, because something had to be wrong when everyone was staring at him. Gregory then stopped crying and filled his mouth with red cake. Then came presents time. Gregory got a cool Geo Trax train set that runs with a remote. He can operate it all by himself. He also got some books, an Elmo backpack, Elmo that laughed and went everywhere (don’t remember exactly the name) and more trains. The boys had a lot of fun together. Gregory’s party was so much fun for all of us.
This evening we went over to the boy’s house that I take to the bus stop and talked. Their youngest child had outgrown his bike. So, guess who got a bike, Gregory! It only needs for the seat to be lowered and the back tire to be filled. We are also going to buy him a helmet.
I would have to say today was an overall success. Now I am off to watch a movie.
Friday, September 21, 2007
091907 Gregory smelling flower.JPG
Originally uploaded by smileahug.
Gregory is now two years old. It seems crazy that he could be two. Time has just flown so fast. Not so long ago I had an infant that only ate, slept, and pooped. Now I have a little boy who can do so much more. My little boy is communicating with me like he could never have done before. He lets me know what is going on around him. He tells me what he sees. “Momma tees, wah-wah, duck, woof-woof, meow” My little boy lets me know what is out there when I can not see it. We went to Mt. Vernon a couple of days ago. Gregory and I were waiting for Cullen to get back and Gregory points and says “wah-wah, tees”. He told me there were water and trees. This was great because I had no idea that we had a view of the Potomac with trees near bye.
Yesterday we drove to Staunton to see Gregory’s God parents and sister. They were very happy to see him. They were also very surprised how much Gregory has grown. I just can’t believe another year has passed.
Tomorrow is Gregory’s birthday party. Two little boys are coming over. I think it should be fun. The theme is Elmo. Gregory saw the decorations tonight and was so excited. I will post pictures after the party.
Tonight I will now get some rest.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Gregory was happy when I did “this little piggy” to his toes and he giggled and said “wee wee wee” and wanted me to do it again.
Gregory wanted another jelly bean and said “MORE, MORE” very loudly and like he was dieing and needed it to save his life. Then when I asked him “what do you say?” he said “peeese” (please) quietly and very nicely.
Gregory knocked over the kitchen chair he said “oh no, oh no” because he did not mean to knock it over. I have passed on my anxiety to my son. I guess I should be saying oh no instead of him.
Gregory got mad because I took away my drink from him and he said “NO!” and then when I tried to hand him his drink he tried to hit it away.
Gregory knocked on my bedroom door because he wanted me to come out instead of calling momma. He only started to knock instead of calling and wining for me or daddy this week. I like the knocking better than the wining.
Gregory asked me for juice today and I told him to go ask daddy and he did. Then daddy got it for him. It was nice to not have to get up for a change.
We walked over to a friend’s house that had a five year old girl and Gregory played with all the toy kitchen toys and named the different objects. Then went to everyone and made sure they knew too.
Gregory came over to me and gave me a great big kiss on the mouth and said “mwuh” (the kissing sound).
Well, now that I am thinking of my sweety I am going to check to see that he is sleeping in bed. I put him in bed a while ago. I will go in there and pick him up if he is not in bed, smell his hair, and kiss him goodnight again.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
I am now a certified massage therapist. YES YES YES!!!!
All I have left to do is get my license. That is the easy part.
YES YES YES!!!!!!!
I am so relieved and just so happy.
This morning I got up and could only eat three bites of oatmeal. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was so anxious. We got to the testing site on time. Cullen and Gregory left and went back home. My reader was there. He was a very nice man. He had been a massage therapist for the past twenty years. That was a relief, because I was worried that I was going to be stuck with a reader who knew nothing about the body and wouldn’t be able to pronounce the words. Some of the parts of the body are hard to pronounce. The guy was so nice. He also gave me a business card and offered me a job. I don’t know how far away the place is so I don’t know if I can take it but... I finished the test and walked out and went to the main desk. The lady behind the desk handed me a piece of paper. I asked what the paper said so nervously. The lady said pass!!! I said what.
I PASSED! I PASSED! I PASSED! YES YES YES!!!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
Most of the time people can’t tell I am blind. I look at the people I am talking to even if I can’t see their face. I have the neighborhood memorized so I can walk around without a cane or my guide dog. I have run into trash bags on trash days and different objects that are put in a place where nothing normally is. I watch Gregory with my peripheral vision and by what I hear. If Gregory gets quiet or makes a scared noise I know to go to him and find out what is going on. I have learned how to adapt to my vision loss. Some days are still very hard and I do need help with some things, but for the most part I am doing just fine.
Here is a website that shows what I see. It is pretty accurate from what I can tell.
Because I am no good with links just paste it in your address bar.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
One more thing, when I got home from sending off the kids I came home to an empty house. Cullen had taken Gregory to get the car’s oil changed and the tires rotated. So, I get time to myself. What a lovely morning.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
It just tickles me what personality Gregory has and how he is turning into a little boy who is making decisions and letting the world know what he thinks. I knew that is what would happen with Gregory growing up but I didn’t know how much it would tickle me.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Originally uploaded by smileahug.
This is my favorite outfit from Grandma.
Gregory loves Elmo. My mom went shopping and found this cute overall outfit for him. Gregory was very excited. As soon as he saw the clothes he said “Melmo Melmo”. He loves these overalls. Today when I would change his diaper I would undo his straps and he would say “oh no” and try to put it back. Gregory can’t quite say Cookie Monster. That sounds like kee. These are a size 3T. Gregory is a very tall child for his age.
Originally uploaded by smileahug.
My mom found Gregory some cute pajamas too, but I do love overalls on my child. So, the first two outfits I put him in were overalls. These are a size 4T and should fit again next summer.
Gregory also got seven bouncy balls from Grandma. The balls are scattered throughout the house.